Tuesday 3rd February 2009
“One shovel or two”? Ross asked as he poked his head out of the shed. With a striking glance I clearly stated “One baby, ……there is NO way I am going to shovel anything with ovaries this sore”. We were packing up the car ready for our trip to Hammersmith. We were going to be prepared for any eventuality. “It won’t fit”, Ross announced as he strategically shoved the duvet into the boot, along with. The shovel, two large bottles of water, four blankets, lots of spare clothes and the garden broom minus the handle, which he had to sore off, for it to fit in the first place. All this because it had snowed the night before. How the news scare mongers, but nothing was going to get in the way of having our scan.
The journey was surprisingly uneventful considering what the news had told us this morning. We arrived at the hospital with minutes to spare looking like Eskimos, but YES we had made it. This was it the moment we had been wanting for, the moment of truth. God what were we going to find today? I could hardly contain my excitement.
My doctor started with my right ovary. As he turned the scanning probe to get a good view, there was a slight twinge that passed over the whole of the right side of my tummy. Oooooow, that was a bit tender, not very nice at all really. He said that he could clearly see two lovely sized follicles with more growing around them, and was really pleased. He also told us that the smaller ones around them were growing lovely. And follicles can contain more then one egg, so we should harvest quite a few from that side. Well Done Betty!!!, I thought you go girl, rock on. So on to Olive then, he slowly adjusted the probe to view my left ovary and smiled at me. “Hummmmmmmmm, ok” he said, “Now lets see One, two…….three…..Oh that’s a good one …….four……..and that one…..five, six and some small ones on there too. Way to go Olive you little raver, YES. “That’s great news Mrs Elliott you have done fantastic”. Phew I was glad that was over because as you can imagine Olive was bloody sore. It felt like someone was ripping my insides out with a rusty hook. Once again my Dr praised me a told me that I need to rest as much as I can now. That wasn’t all he told me. He informed us that because my follicles are growing so well, I have to go back in the morning for another scan. You see I am getting very close to the time when they need to harvest my eggs, Oh god how exciting, and he needs to see if the smaller ones have grow much over night. It’s amazing how hours really count in the IVF process, so much can change over night, oh it’s a bit scary now.
However I am soooooo excited that we have jumped over another massive hurdle and we are on the home run to the winners circle, I HOPE. I can NOT contain my excitement and can’t wait un till the morning once again. God this is all moving really fast now.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Monday 2nd February 2009It’s over……I’ve fucked it!!!………I knew I would fail, why do I even bother?, that’s exactly how I was feeling this morning when I was having my morning wee. You see I was presented with a large wobbly, clear, sticky show of mucus, and we all know what that means………..don’t we ladies? Yes ovulation is about to occur. So great I am sitting on the loo losing all my healthy eggs, and one by one they are popping out of my ovaries and dying. That is just GREAT. This is about the worst thing that could possibly happen at this stage. If I ovulate now there will be no eggs for the doctors to take, and no eggs for the doctors to fertilise. So there you go IVF failed. Hummmm, and to top it all off we are snowed in. The worst snow we have seen for 18 years, and I need to get to Hammersmith IVF unit for my scan appointment at 7.30 am in the morning. I had better start walking now then. Fucking hell……… bollox……..Fuck………FUCK. So once again I am robbing prayers from you all.Then everything changed, panic over, no need to worry, it’s fine and the excitement returned. See I spoke to another, strong, brave, and amazing woman who has been through the IVF process herself and she calmed me down, and assured me this happened to her and it is absolutely fine. Phewwwww, I am NOT ovulating, and my egg counting scan I’m having in the morning will prove that to me. Thank god I haven’t failed.So I jumped in the bath for my pre scan short back and sides, and tried to imagine how many eggs were dangling from my over worked and under paid ovaries. Bless them!!! Over the past few weeks I have really started connecting with my ovaries on more of an intimate and personal level. Betty on the right and Olive on the left, I have also found myself talking to them at times. Giving them praise and reassurance and egging them on. It is hard to imagine that they will have any more then 8 eggs, which is the most I produced with my IUI treatments. Hummmm however with all the swelling and pain I’m thinking Betty might have 8 just on her. Oh god it’s getting really exciting!!!!!!!!! These follicles are at the moment holding my potential children in them. Keeping them nice and warm and snug, and I am going to see them in the morning. Wow even closer to the biggest and most important job in the world, being a loving parent. Egg numbers to follow tomorrow, hehe.
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Sunday 1st February 2009
I have come to have learnt over the past 10 years of suffering from infertility that grieving is as natural as eating. I have spent a life time grieving for the children I haven’t got, and at times when I look at the children in my family and friends with their babies I feel a physical stabbing pain in my heart. The motherly instinct is a very real and powerful emotion. So when it is not fulfilled you feel bitterness, robbed, worthlessness, incomplete, denied and worst of all a complete failure, and over the years you seem to spend all your time moving backwards and forwards through these different stages. I have also learnt that you have to mourn your ghost babies that couple like us have. So I want to take this moment to think about all the couple that are in the same situation as Ross and I and pray for that miracle to be delivered to us all. HERES HOPING.
I have come to have learnt over the past 10 years of suffering from infertility that grieving is as natural as eating. I have spent a life time grieving for the children I haven’t got, and at times when I look at the children in my family and friends with their babies I feel a physical stabbing pain in my heart. The motherly instinct is a very real and powerful emotion. So when it is not fulfilled you feel bitterness, robbed, worthlessness, incomplete, denied and worst of all a complete failure, and over the years you seem to spend all your time moving backwards and forwards through these different stages. I have also learnt that you have to mourn your ghost babies that couple like us have. So I want to take this moment to think about all the couple that are in the same situation as Ross and I and pray for that miracle to be delivered to us all. HERES HOPING.
Saturday 31st January 2009
I feel good…….dnanananana I knew that I would now ! Dnananananana………, I feeeeel good……. dnanananana, I knew that I would now, soooo good, so good, I’m super ovulating. Well that’s what my ovaries have been singing all night. They feel like their having a party in there. I must admit I’m feeling the complete opposite and just want to sleep. They really are working overtime now.
You know when you squeeze out a sponge?, you hold it tightly in both hands and twist, and twist again, then you give it a little shake. Well that’s how my ovaries feel. It’s like they are constantly being squeezed. So as you can imagine I am experiencing some slight pain. “OK….OK…..OK,” I might be experiencing slightly more then slight pain at times. And what is with the constant need for a wee? My god I must have got up at least 8 times last night. That is NO exaggeration, I just lost count after 5. I was up and down all bloody night. It was getting that bad I was even contemplating pissing the bed and blaming it on the night sweats.
The whole IVF treatment is starting to take it’s toll a bit now, and it is becoming harder. I am still overwhelmingly tired and getting a bit irritable and snappy. I had myself a bit of a crying session today too. However I am going to try and make a conscious effort to stay as relaxed as possible. I do feel I need a little pampering and just something to give myself a reward. So hairdressers HERE I COME.
I feel good…….dnanananana I knew that I would now ! Dnananananana………, I feeeeel good……. dnanananana, I knew that I would now, soooo good, so good, I’m super ovulating. Well that’s what my ovaries have been singing all night. They feel like their having a party in there. I must admit I’m feeling the complete opposite and just want to sleep. They really are working overtime now.
You know when you squeeze out a sponge?, you hold it tightly in both hands and twist, and twist again, then you give it a little shake. Well that’s how my ovaries feel. It’s like they are constantly being squeezed. So as you can imagine I am experiencing some slight pain. “OK….OK…..OK,” I might be experiencing slightly more then slight pain at times. And what is with the constant need for a wee? My god I must have got up at least 8 times last night. That is NO exaggeration, I just lost count after 5. I was up and down all bloody night. It was getting that bad I was even contemplating pissing the bed and blaming it on the night sweats.
The whole IVF treatment is starting to take it’s toll a bit now, and it is becoming harder. I am still overwhelmingly tired and getting a bit irritable and snappy. I had myself a bit of a crying session today too. However I am going to try and make a conscious effort to stay as relaxed as possible. I do feel I need a little pampering and just something to give myself a reward. So hairdressers HERE I COME.
Friday 30th January 2009
Cooooor blimey, the journey up to Hammersmith was like a dream, and a lot easier then last week. There was no torrential rain and huge down pours. We left at 6am and we were standing outside the IVF unit by 6.50am with six other women waiting for the doors to open. I am a stickler for being on time, I hate being late and find it very rude. So this morning I was nice and chilled as we were up there, and waiting for them. Great mission one complete.
On to mission two then. We were invited into a spare consulting room and we explained to the nurse what we were there for. “oh yes, day 5 Gonal F blood test“, she said as she looked at her computer screen. So I rolled my sleeve up and got comfy in the chair while the fertility nurse tapped at my veins. She knew as well as I did, Huuummmm, problem patient . Yes I have veins that like to hide, and HIDE well. So after a few minutes of tapping and squeezing she went for it. “Just a slight scratch” she said so sweetly with a little smile, she then plunged this great big needle in my sleeping vein. And that was the exact time when I wanted to punch her right in the face. But instead I politely replied “That’s fine”, whist my body runs cold and the blood rushes straight to my head, and then the little twinkling star float gently past my eyes. Oh I did feel a bit……… queasy!!! However I still sit there with a friendly little smile, thinking oh what a nice lady she is. Fuck me!!! That really hurt today, I confessed to Ross as we walked back to the car.
Now on to mission Three, which is the hardest of them all. A whole day of waiting for the phone to ring. Well in our case hoping that it don’t. You see the hospital will ring me by 4pm if there is a problem with my blood. We are hoping that my oestrogen levels are right where they should be?, a bit technical for me, but as I said if they are ok I won’t get a phone call.
Hummmmm, well I did get the phone call, “Hello Mrs Elliott, so and so from Hammersmith IVF unit, are you able to talk?” My heart dropped and suddenly my dream of being a mummy was in that second, sounding very distant ONCE AGAIN.
“Yes” I said in a quite husky voice. Not wanting him to answer, I tried to bury my head in my hands and I wanted to cry. “Well Mrs Elliott just a quick call to ask if you had booked your scan for Tuesday” Once again a little “yes” came out very quietly as I replied to him. “Great, I will look forward to seeing you on Tuesday then” he replied. “oh hummm, ok then………So were my bloods ok?” “Yes perfect”, he replied and that was that.
I put the phone down and thought well why the bloody hell have you just rung me then? I took a deep breath and realised the panic was over and mission three was complete, but with a little hurdle in between. What great news and I am feeling extremely lucky, what a relief. So another stage of the IVF can be ticked off, and I can really concentrate on eating my boiled eggs for a few more days, Lovely, yum, yum.
Cooooor blimey, the journey up to Hammersmith was like a dream, and a lot easier then last week. There was no torrential rain and huge down pours. We left at 6am and we were standing outside the IVF unit by 6.50am with six other women waiting for the doors to open. I am a stickler for being on time, I hate being late and find it very rude. So this morning I was nice and chilled as we were up there, and waiting for them. Great mission one complete.
On to mission two then. We were invited into a spare consulting room and we explained to the nurse what we were there for. “oh yes, day 5 Gonal F blood test“, she said as she looked at her computer screen. So I rolled my sleeve up and got comfy in the chair while the fertility nurse tapped at my veins. She knew as well as I did, Huuummmm, problem patient . Yes I have veins that like to hide, and HIDE well. So after a few minutes of tapping and squeezing she went for it. “Just a slight scratch” she said so sweetly with a little smile, she then plunged this great big needle in my sleeping vein. And that was the exact time when I wanted to punch her right in the face. But instead I politely replied “That’s fine”, whist my body runs cold and the blood rushes straight to my head, and then the little twinkling star float gently past my eyes. Oh I did feel a bit……… queasy!!! However I still sit there with a friendly little smile, thinking oh what a nice lady she is. Fuck me!!! That really hurt today, I confessed to Ross as we walked back to the car.
Now on to mission Three, which is the hardest of them all. A whole day of waiting for the phone to ring. Well in our case hoping that it don’t. You see the hospital will ring me by 4pm if there is a problem with my blood. We are hoping that my oestrogen levels are right where they should be?, a bit technical for me, but as I said if they are ok I won’t get a phone call.
Hummmmm, well I did get the phone call, “Hello Mrs Elliott, so and so from Hammersmith IVF unit, are you able to talk?” My heart dropped and suddenly my dream of being a mummy was in that second, sounding very distant ONCE AGAIN.
“Yes” I said in a quite husky voice. Not wanting him to answer, I tried to bury my head in my hands and I wanted to cry. “Well Mrs Elliott just a quick call to ask if you had booked your scan for Tuesday” Once again a little “yes” came out very quietly as I replied to him. “Great, I will look forward to seeing you on Tuesday then” he replied. “oh hummm, ok then………So were my bloods ok?” “Yes perfect”, he replied and that was that.
I put the phone down and thought well why the bloody hell have you just rung me then? I took a deep breath and realised the panic was over and mission three was complete, but with a little hurdle in between. What great news and I am feeling extremely lucky, what a relief. So another stage of the IVF can be ticked off, and I can really concentrate on eating my boiled eggs for a few more days, Lovely, yum, yum.
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